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Essay for Conversion Candidacy
I was drawn to Judaism initially by the long and significant history of the Jewish People. I was attracted to the strength Jews had exhibited throughout the years and the covenant that God had with them. Perhaps some of the attraction has to do with the fact that I’m a middle child. I remember longing for the responsibilities my big sister had been given and complaining about the smooth road that my little sisters had in comparison. Regardless of what caused this attraction, I knew that the covenant between God and the Jewish people was both a responsibility and a blessing, and I desired to be a part of it.
While there are many Jewish values that caught my attention early in my learning, the few that I found most appealing was ‘bakesh shalom ve-rodfehu’ and ‘chesed/rachamin’.
Bakesh shalom ve-rodfehu, or to seek peace and pursue it, touched me personally as soon as I read it. While my life has certainly been a mild one in comparison to most people, I must admit that I have been faced with my share of experiences that left me wondering if peace even existed. In my childhood, I witnessed ongoing discord between my parents, only to walk directly into a similar situation with my first husband. I married at 22 and found myself separated at 28. While my negative view on divorce and single–parenting was my purpose for staying so long in an abusive marriage, it wasn’t until I mustered up the courage to leave, start over with almost nothing, that I finally experienced the wealth of peace for the first time in my life. It was a feeling I find hard to describe, but a feeling I never want to live without again. Bakesh shalom ve-rodfehu appeals to me because throughout my entire life I have been a seeker of peace. From mediating conflicts between students in high school, to being in tears watching the news report of an innocent child being tortured, I have always found violence to be horrendous. This value is special to be because of my love for people and living peacefully. I can finally say that I know peace and never plan to live without it again.
Because of my compassion for the most vulnerable of world, children, the elderly, the downtrodden, I found the Jewish value of chesid/rachamin, or compassion for those who are disadvantaged or vulnerable, particularly persuasive. It felt good to know that a body of people as vast as the Jewish People felt the same way I did – but felt it enough to record it as a value that all Jews should attain. I went on to read that according to the Talmud, “if anyone has compassion on created beings, then it is certain evidence that he or she is from the seed of Abraham…”(Bezah 32b) For the first time I felt vindicated for always “getting emotional” after hearing of stories of babies abandoned, children molested, or animals being abused. I also felt an overwhelming sense of joy knowing that the great minds behind the Talmud and the Jewish People could view me as being from the seed of Abraham. Slowly, any feelings of being out of place in my Jewish learning began to pass.
Religion, in the western world at least, is a topic that most avoid at the dinner table. For me, the sensitivity is due to the high level of energy I’ve put into my search, the emotion related to my discovery, and the fact that my entire life is intertwined with facets and elements of said religion. My journey in religion started as a young girl following the paths of my Jehovah’s Witness parents. I never felt welcome, at one with, or comfortable with the people or the process of the religion. As a young adult, feeling guilty for searching for “truth” when I had been told that the only truth was what I had already rejected, I found myself, as many Black people, seeking resolve in the Christian church. This left me feeling hypocritical and at odds with those worshipping beside me and those leading the congregants.
I began to read more about Rastafarianism after listening to Bob Marley, etc. I spoke to others born in, and living Rastafarian. The concept of living “ital” – a vegetarian diet and peaceful life, attracted me. Hearing about King David, King Solomon, Israel, etc, and then reading the scriptures, I was looking for something more. Unfortunately, my growth stopped here. I couldn’t understand how a group of people could call on a deceased man, Haile Selassie as God. Strike one. But, I didn’t give up here, I began searching for something, anything, concrete that could offer me a better understanding. There was nothing. Just as I was giving up – feeling foolish for starting a journey based on some words I heard in a few songs, I met Amrahm, and my real journey began. Four-thousand years of history, a proven covenant with the God of Creation, the Old Testament, millions of people around the world, concrete answers to my questions – all things that provide me with what I’ve been looking for my entire life.
I believe that God is one. He is unique, indivisible and the Creator of all things. He has given us the free will to follow his commandments or to transgress. There is no original sin that we’re born into that we can refer to as an excuse for our bad decisions; we are responsible for our actions or inactions. I have always thought that my relationship to God should be greater than just going into a building every Sunday, singing, dancing and then going home and living without a practical day-to-day application of a relationship to God. Judaism has been the vessel to my discovering a true relationship to God. To pray daily, live according to the mitzvot and values in all of my actions, and to build relationships with a body of people who do as I do and think as I think, is the “active” relationship to God I’ve always sought.
My family and I have begun implementing Jewish traditions starting with the observation of Shabbat. In the past, Friday nights were a time to go out to dinner, meet up with friends, listen to music, and maybe even go dancing. Now, we prepare for the Shabbat in advance by cleaning our home, preparing a delicious meal, rest, read and reflect before bed. Saturday’s were filled with cleaning the house, running errands, shopping, and going to and fro to catch up with friends and family. Now, we start our days at the synagogue for Shabbat Seder where we spend time with our new friends in the congregation. We make it a point to drive directly home, with the radio off as we reflect on what we’ve learned or felt about the service, or what our thoughts or meditations are for this Shabbat. Once we arrive at home we either grab a snack, continue to talk leisurely, or take a nap. It’s clear to me based on this one observation above, that as I progress in my Jewish studies my Jewish life will continue to be progressive in Jewish Tradition.
I am blessed to be living in an era of Judaism where through the works and sacrifice of countless others, we have a home for Jews in the State of Israel. I’m happy to belong to Ezra-Habonim and the active and established Jewish community here and look forward to contributing to the collective support of Israel. I understand the blessed opportunity that lies before me. Through this mikvah I am solidifying my vows and entering in to a family of world Jewry.
Prayer has always been important to me, even though at times I have felt that I was praying to an unknown God… or, at least I was unknown to Him. In my Jewish studies, I have observed that prayer is very significant and should be implemented into our daily life. Keeping the Shabbat is important to me because it is the core of Jewish life – it is not only our weekly reminder of God’s creation of the universe and of humankind, but of our covenant with God. I remember hearing Rabbi say: “it is not how much the Jewish people have kept the Shabbat, but how the Shabbat has kept the Jewish people.” I find that as I grow within Judaism, keeping the Shabbat has been my first priority. As far as keeping kosher is concerned, I’ve noticed that I pay more attention the items that I purchase, and whether or not their kosher. Even though I’m vegetarian, and I neither eat meat or animal’s milk, I still try to practice the laws of what’s tref. We don’t eat veggie burgers with cheese for this purpose. If I’m cooking with any meat substitute, I’m sure not to use milk in the recipe remembering the verse repeated several times in the Torah instructing us not to “seethe (boil) a kid in its mother’s milk”.
Continuing my Jewish studies is very important to me. For starters, I plan to continue attending the bi-weekly Learner’s Minyon at my synagogue, weekly Shabbat services and Hebrew classes. My fiancé is now converting, so this is a great opportunity for me to review the material from my conversion class as we study as a family. He and I are expecting a new addition to the family, along with our 9-year-old, we find it particularly important to advance in our studies so that we can live Jewishly and teach our children from an early age what we’ve just now been blessed to discover.